Saving Divorce [Satire]
Updated: Mar 16
Tragically, the divorce rate is dropping in the United States. From 2008-2017 the divorce rate fell a whopping 18%. This is the first time since the mid 1800’s the divorce rate is in decline.
The most recent statistics put the divorce rate at 42% of first marriages. Not a lot has changed for second and third marriages. What’s the divorce rate for second marriages? 60%. How about third marriages? Pack a lunch. The divorce rate is 75% for third marriages.
The Divorce Rate Needs You
We can’t let this stand. We can’t simply give up on our long-standing tradition of multiplying broken marriages. Many of our parents and grandparents fought long and hard to keep the divorce rate climbing. We need to get this statistic headed back in the right direction – up.
But there’s no need to panic just yet. I have a plan.
Here’s a straightforward 3-point plan to get the divorce rate off life support and send a clear message to all those Millennial do-gooders: keep your grubby little hands off our dysfunctional marriages. You’ll want to keep your spouse on their toes and in a constant state of uncertainty, so switch it up without notice. Remember, you want your relationship to go up in flames, so stay focused and put your back into it. You can do this.
One: Lie About Everything
This is a biggie. Spouses HATE being lied to. Lying repeatedly to your significant other incites the D-word so fast that research indicates it’s the single most destructive thing you can do for your relationship. There are two ways you can lie: overt and covert.
Overt. Blatant, in-your-face, deception. Example: “No I didn’t gamble the kids college fund away. Don’t be paranoid, I would never do that.” I call these types of lies “Trifecta Lies.” It has three excellent components.
First, there’s the lie itself. (You’re off to a good start.)
Second, You’re gaslighting the other party (Excellent job.).
Third, you’ve also managed to slip an insult into the lie. (You’re clearly very good at this.)
Covert. Lying by omitting certain facts or failing to correct a misconception. Leaving out crucial information that keeps the other person(s) from knowing the truth. Example: When I was 12 years old a neighbor asked me to pick up walnuts under one of his walnut trees. He said he’d pay me $5. I agreed. He then proceeded to climb up in the tree and shake as many walnuts out of the tree as possible.
The most powerful aspect of covert lying is this: plausible deniability. You didn’t actually say anything wrong so when your spouse accuses you of wrongdoing you can play the victim or act betrayed and outraged.
Two: Become A Master Of The Blame Game
Learning ways to effectively blame others is a sure-fire way to create hurtful, lasting distance in a relationship. Luckily, there are several ways to effectively blame your spouse:
Refuse to take responsibility.
Fabricate false realities.
Rewrite the history of events and interactions.
Nothing makes people feel more disconnected than realizing their spouse would rather work harder to make up a false reality than extend the measly effort to take responsibility for their behavior.
One more thing – if the other party begins to resist being blamed, raise your voice. Think of yelling as the verbal version of a caveman’s club: a blunt instrument of personal mass destruction. Yelling never helps anything and when combined with blame it steamrolls everything (and everyone) in it’s path.
Three: Refuse To Be Happy
Are you married to an eternal optimist? You can help turn their smile upside down – simply refuse to be happy. Does your wife selflessly help with household chores and hold down a 40-hr/week job? Refuse to compliment her. Tell her it’s not enough. Don’t you dare get out of your lazy boy and help her – it’s called that for a reason.
Has your husband set aside his own dreams and desires to work a job he doesn’t like to support you and the kids? Endlessly complain about everything he’s not providing. Here’s the guiding principle: It wears people slick when they think they’ll never be enough and can’t do anything right.
Keep at it. You’ll be on your way to divorce court in no time.
Texting is just as effective as talking face to face. There’s nothing better than using an overly simplistic form of communication while trying to convey complex, emotionally charged information to your spouse.
Texting back and forth about your marriage problems is like putting a lion in a cage with a grizzly and then throwing a steak in the cage. Sooner or later a serious fight is going to break out. So anytime you can participate in one of the three above-mentioned marriage hobblers via text, do it, then sit back and wait for the fireworks.
 Cohen, P. (2018). The Coming Divorce Decline. https://osf.io/preprints/socarxiv/h2sk6/.
 Statistics taken from the Pew Research Center.
 Ironic, isn’t it? We claim Millennials struggle with commitment, and here they are single-handedly turning around a 150yr-old statistic about the lack of marriage commitment in the US.
 They’re also generous, fiscally responsible, and incredibly civic minded, but those are positive traits so I’ve intentionally omitted them. Remember: Millennials, baaad. Us, goood.
 Cloud, H., & Townsend, J. (1999). Boundaries in Marriage. Zondervan Publishing. Grand Rapids, MI.
 Gaslighting is a form of psychological manipulation that causes others to doubt their own memory or perception of events. It makes you feel like you’re going crazy.
 If you don’t see what’s wrong with hoodwinking a 12-yr old you’re most likely a narcissist.
 Of course, that’s the whole problem; you didn’t say anything when you should’ve. You let someone believe something you knew was wrong. But remember that they can’t prove anything, and if they try you can gaslight them or shame them into submission.
 That’s an overt lie. 100% false.